Who We Are

At some point, amongst the crushing waves of pain and hard hitting despair, Kevin calls me, saying he has something to tell me, wanting to make sure I am home. This cold intro causes an intense reaction from my body. Historically, Kevin had always delivered the worst news, out of nowhere, a feeling, even now, percolates even when he opens his mouth to start speaking to me. Before this Kevin had been given a sexual integrity test, which flagged him as addicted to sex. I was floored, feeling naive, and further betrayed. But Kevin has a seemingly laissez-faire attitude when telling me, I am confused as to what this all really means, and in reality, am in no way prepared for what this addiction really means.  As I waited for Kevin to come home, I went over hypotheticals, I had demanded he tell me what was going on, but he would not purge any sort of narrative. I completely thought the other person involved with him had killed themself or had tried to. This did n...

We are constantly invited to be Who We Are. Henry David Thoreau, years ago, would of never guessed how many times I would be able to side step this invitation. Only now, as every pretense or self-made assumption about my innateness, has evaporated out of my body, do I remain now, as I have always been.  Lost.   Pushing against this current, the constant overflow of chaos, dysfunction, and loss has defined my past. Working against the drip of this said current no longer wraps around my vision for myself, seeping into themes of unwanted definitions. Who I Am is not out of the ordinary, my brokenness continues to be my greatest asset. This brokenness only correlates to my greatest power, Who Christ Is. My choice, even my greatest responsibility, is to choose Him, humbly. Outside of this, there is little to discern.  Or control.  Even so, I am constantly invited to be as I have been called, constantly given a choice to extend grace, to forgive, to love wit...

Church leadership advises or asks us to not attend services at the campus we led; they do offer, in a conciliatory way, to attend services at another campus. This proposition is not readily accepted by Kevin or I, as he can barely hold his head above water when around others. Friends ask if we want Harper and Elijah to attend the kid’s program, the same program they had both been attending since birth. The same children’s ministry I had covered when we were down on volunteers, even though, I for the most part, had really never enjoyed being around children. I decline, as my realization of how to move forward in this impossible situation is murky, and I have to plug the hemmorrhage of suffering and confusion for the kids. A voice of reason is in me, but the roof is only over the kids and Kevin. All I do is cry. Then sob. I try to ask questions, to myself, and then to Kevin, but we are both caged animals, trapped under a magnifying lens, beaming a consistent concentration of immeasurable...

We are constantly invited to be Who We Are. Henry David Thoreau, years ago, would of never guessed how many times I would be able to side step this invitation. Only now, as every pretense or self-made assumption about my innateness, has evaporated out of my body, do I remain now, as I have always been.  Lost.   Pushing against this current, the constant overflow of chaos, dysfunction, and loss has defined my past. Working against the drip of this said current no longer wraps around my vision for myself, seeping into themes of unwanted definitions. Who I Am is not out of the ordinary, my brokenness continues to be my greatest asset. This brokenness only correlates to my greatest power, Who Christ Is. My choice, even my greatest responsibility, is to choose Him, humbly. Outside of this, there is little to discern.  Or control.  Even so, I am constantly invited to be as I have been called, constantly given a choice to extend grace, to forgive, to love with the greatest...