Who We Are

Standing next to Kevin as he told the entire congregation he was resigning from the church, because of an extramarital affair, turned the dagger in my heart clockwise. The layered nature of this entire event seems supernatural. No one had any idea what was happening beforehand, members and friends eagerly met us, as they did every Sunday morning, eager and energized to worship. Maintaining my composure as I put one foot in front of the other is not for me, or my friends, or the strangers in the sanctuary. I only hold my entire self together for Kevin. To be so broken, to fail as deep as all the oceans combined, and then walk through all of the shattered glass, to start over, with integrity, is an action I am still very much in awe of.    In the moment, I could only feel the shock in the room; I kept my eyes on Kevin the entire time. I, in no way, wanted the memory of everyone’s face to have a permanent fixture in my mind or memory.  Standing up in front of the church mean...

Five years ago today I woke with the unsettled feeling in my stomach that there was no way to turn back, that I had passed some finite invisible line and was now stuck. I washed my face, looked at the dark circles under my eyes, ready to face the most diplomatic day of my life. We assembled promptly at the Civic Center at 8:00 am, nine hours before I was to be wed. I had curated this day for months, pouring myself like water into a vessel, into this empty event. A facade I had been building for months, was cracking like some 19th century romantic tragedy. I am every flawed protagonist wrapped in veils of sadness, floating around on my own wisps of lies.  These carefully arranged moments of deception, are meticulously hidden by a glowing bride to be. Dozens of fragrances linger in the air, warm and inviting. Guest tables line the Hall, complimented by the Art Nouveau architecture and baubles. Smells waft from the kitchen, suggesting a hearty meal, and the guests begin ...

Kevin leaves the house exasperated, rubbing his hair and face dramatically, stating he would be out dealing with something. I nod my head and continue reading to Harper and Elijah. Time passes. I start looking for open positions in the Oklahoma City area, my hometown, as I feel like normal people do not live like this. I can no longer sit, waiting, on my hands for this life to change. And I am very tired of not being normal. This is the first time I have cracked in five years under the mantle of ministry and the mantle of Kevin's depression. The most core portion of my heart speaks to my brain.   If I can change our circumstances our lives will be more normal; I affirm this vision with further Google searches. I accept my broken position of failure to achieve many of the goals I have wholeheartedly clung to, knowing all my efforts have meant nothing in the context of my survival inside of a rather large vacuum. I start framing how I will tell this to Kevin. ...