Who We Are

  In my time as a flight attendant, there was the experience each flight of the physical effect that being airborne had on the body.  I felt heavier, my fingers swelled so that I couldn’t wear my wedding rings and my ears would fill with pressure that often didn’t clear until well after landing.  Although now I spend my days on the ground, I still experience the world through feeling and acknowledge the physical toll of the day-to-day turbulence of life. While serving the public in a grocery store, the volatile commotion in politics and the recent global pandemic has complicated all my interactions.  I have lacked grace during this season and have felt weighed down by judgement and resentment of others’ views, of their posts on social media and of their silence, for seemingly not taking the pandemic seriously, for sending their kids to school sick, for refusing to seek testing for Covid-19, for choosing not to wear a mask.  I judge myself and my actions the ...

  My husband is a teacher in our town, placing us both in active roles interacting with our community.  The atmosphere in the education system has certainly been a bumpy ride while navigating this pandemic and political landscape as well.  Between our two points of exposure, and immediately after a weekend stay in the city for my husband’s 40 th Birthday, we were the first in our subsequent workplaces to contract Covid-19.  My husband had a rapid onset and was fever-ridden for five days.  I experienced a slower burn with symptoms of sore throat and headache for six days before fever hit, followed by body aches that combined, had me bedridden for eight days.     Prior to contracting Covid-19, I hadn’t claimed a sick day from work in years.  This virus took me out like no other sickness has before.  Our kids stayed home from school for a month as we respected the isolation process, and I was heartbroken to miss my ...

    I’ve been wondering how to have grace during this season.  Not grace in theory, as a religious concept or a fleeting uttered benediction, but literal goodwill in day-to-day interactions.  The turbulent political climate and the global pandemic has sapped my soul of its empathy.  And, I have lost a great deal of trust in my community.  Never one to always see the best in others, as much as I admire the quality, however I did believe that most people care about their neighbors, particularly those in the Christian faith.  I grew up having Mark 12:31 impressed upon me, “’Love your neighbor as yourself’.  There is no commandment greater than these.”  Seeing people in the church who I thought upheld this scripture, openly support racist politics and choose their own comfort over the chance that wearing a mask may benefit another, has shattered that trust.     We have taken sides and formed alliances....

We are constantly invited to be Who We Are. Henry David Thoreau, years ago, would of never guessed how many times I would be able to side step this invitation. Only now, as every pretense or self-made assumption about my innateness, has evaporated out of my body, do I remain now, as I have always been.  Lost.   Pushing against this current, the constant overflow of chaos, dysfunction, and loss has defined my past. Working against the drip of this said current no longer wraps around my vision for myself, seeping into themes of unwanted definitions. Who I Am is not out of the ordinary, my brokenness continues to be my greatest asset. This brokenness only correlates to my greatest power, Who Christ Is. My choice, even my greatest responsibility, is to choose Him, humbly. Outside of this, there is little to discern.  Or control.  Even so, I am constantly invited to be as I have been called, constantly given a choice to extend grace, to forgive, to love wit...

I am a ticket holder. My needle is ready, with layered thread. I see a future and put one step in at a time, towards the dream.  But, I did not arrive at this transcendent, evolved, know thyself, understanding of drive. I was born into this understanding, with a Father, telling me to divide and conquer intimidation one box at a time. With a Mother, telling me to stop dwelling inside of a lily white world. With a teacher taking me aside after I had given a very ill-prepared presentation, and telling me that I had a natural gift for speaking.  These formative affirmations have been a consistent undercurrent my entire life, but now, what is the value of my knowledge and strengths if they remain, only in me. Whatever you teach children today, travels with them, far into the future. So, poignantly said, by the children's author Mary Pope Osbourne. What a stirring inside of each of us, patiently waiting to be launched, despite intimidation, despite a clear path forward.  Whatev...

Church leadership advises or asks us to not attend services at the campus we led; they do offer, in a conciliatory way, to attend services at another campus. This proposition is not readily accepted by Kevin or I, as he can barely hold his head above water when around others. Friends ask if we want Harper and Elijah to attend the kid’s program, the same program they had both been attending since birth. The same children’s ministry I had covered when we were down on volunteers, even though, I for the most part, had really never enjoyed being around children. I decline, as my realization of how to move forward in this impossible situation is murky, and I have to plug the hemmorrhage of suffering and confusion for the kids. A voice of reason is in me, but the roof is only over the kids and Kevin. All I do is cry. Then sob. I try to ask questions, to myself, and then to Kevin, but we are both caged animals, trapped under a magnifying lens, beaming a consistent concentration of immeasurable...

Six years ago, I listened to a doctor tell me my baby had hydrops. But, I didn’t know what that meant really.   It meant that a writhing 48 hours later we would lose our little girl. I was seven months pregnant.  My niece and I were one week apart with our babies. I had friends who were pregnant with me.  It was my first pregnancy, and I had no idea what was happening.  So, when there were problems or differences, I just thought, I will deal with it and fix them, like I always do. There was no fixing her. The onset of knowledge of the additional fluid and the loss of Camille was ten days apart. Ten days of tragic loss, coupled with a rebounding life, when we thought she just had Down Syndrome. She would be fine and we would love her and help her live her best life.  God had other plans. She would have struggled; requiring two surgeries immediately after birth. Her tummy and her heart. I had to beg a specialist doctor to see me and ...

We are constantly invited to be Who We Are. Henry David Thoreau, years ago, would of never guessed how many times I would be able to side step this invitation. Only now, as every pretense or self-made assumption about my innateness, has evaporated out of my body, do I remain now, as I have always been.  Lost.   Pushing against this current, the constant overflow of chaos, dysfunction, and loss has defined my past. Working against the drip of this said current no longer wraps around my vision for myself, seeping into themes of unwanted definitions. Who I Am is not out of the ordinary, my brokenness continues to be my greatest asset. This brokenness only correlates to my greatest power, Who Christ Is. My choice, even my greatest responsibility, is to choose Him, humbly. Outside of this, there is little to discern.  Or control.  Even so, I am constantly invited to be as I have been called, constantly given a choice to extend grace, to forgive, to love with the greatest...