Skip to main content

All of Us, by Sabryna Haynes


Six years ago, I listened to a doctor tell me my baby had hydrops.

But, I didn’t know what that meant really.  

It meant that a writhing 48 hours later we would lose our little girl. I was seven months pregnant.  My niece and I were one week apart with our babies. I had friends who were pregnant with me.  It was my first pregnancy, and I had no idea what was happening.  So, when there were problems or differences, I just thought, I will deal with it and fix them, like I always do. There was no fixing her. The onset of knowledge of the additional fluid and the loss of Camille was ten days apart. Ten days of tragic loss, coupled with a rebounding life, when we thought she just had Down Syndrome. She would be fine and we would love her and help her live her best life.  God had other plans. She would have struggled; requiring two surgeries immediately after birth. Her tummy and her heart.

I had to beg a specialist doctor to see me and check her heart. The procedure was several hundred dollars upfront, most babies with this condition pass away, the practice would not take us on as patients without the fee and we didn’t have it. I wanted to strangle the counselor that basically told me she would die; I couldn’t bear the news. It was her that saved me, the mean, blunt counselor, saved me. She expedited the acceptance for me in a way no one could ever hope for.

The day we lost Camille, I watched the sonogram and listened and could barely see her heart beat. Forty beats a minute. It was horrible. And then, I had to leave that specialist’s office from one hospital and call my mom and tell her to meet us at the other hospital, that I was going to have to deliver a dead baby. Fucking horrible.

You have to have blood taken to do whatever at the hospital.  The phlebotomist walked in and said congratulations. Do you seriously have no clue? Do they not tell you anything out there? I have grace for people and never want to embarrass, so I just smiled politely.  Camille hadn’t technically passed yet. So, I had to wait for her heart to stop inside of me. I had to wait and wait and wait. And listen for her heartbeat to be lost on that machine.

I thank God often that it was me and not of my dearest friends, or enemies. Some people would never recover. God made me resilient.

I had to wait hours, then more, because it was Halloween and they were short handed and whatever.


I finally had Camille around 5:30 with one of my best friends holding my hands and talking to me about beaches. Sunrises and sunsets. Sunsets and sunrises, the good things, the simple things, and amazing relationships. That’s what gets us through. All of us.

I held her but it was weird. The babies weep they call it, I call it leak. It was weird. And, it was weird to see, a sweet soul that wasn’t here anymore. She was 4 pounds and 6 ounces. Perfect.  She was perfect. Not all babies are at that point. I’m so glad she wasn’t scary. I’m so glad I got to hold her. We had a picture taken. Come to find out, some people keep their babies warm so they can hold them longer. I thought it was weird as well, but then I regretted not doing it. Not holding her longer.


Pray for me and us this week. Pray for all the Mommies and Daddies out there. There is so much loss that is not discussed. We have to support one another, in everything we do!  Be there for one another. Even the one you may be judging next to you, they may need you the most.


 Camille Ryan Haynes 10.31.14

Follow Sabryna on Instagram 

Follow Sabryna on Facebook 




Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Run Home, Havilah Capshaw Bagnaro

I am so brave as I sit in front of the camera crew; about to describe a sexual assault that happened to me, at the hands of Grant Pankratz, almost twenty years ago.  Leaning on my years of dance and theater training I feel no shyness as the cameraman adjusts my microphone and when the journalist asks me how I feel, I can honestly answer that I feel just fine. How bizarre it is to finally be speaking about something that is still so visceral. I can take my mind back, easily, to the exact moment it happened and replay it like a favorite television show and yet is so secret I have never even told my husband. I get through the interview easily with little emotion and do not feel at all overwhelmed; even after everyone at the filming tells me I absolutely must file a police report, before the story airs the next evening on the ten o’ clock news.                      As I drive away from the filming location I realize what ...
3 comments
Read more

Euphemisms, by Jerika Perthuis

At some point, amongst the crushing waves of pain and hard hitting despair, Kevin calls me, saying he has something to tell me, wanting to make sure I am home. This cold intro causes an intense reaction from my body. Historically, Kevin had always delivered the worst news, out of nowhere, a feeling, even now, percolates even when he opens his mouth to start speaking to me. Before this Kevin had been given a sexual integrity test, which flagged him as addicted to sex. I was floored, feeling naive, and further betrayed. But Kevin has a seemingly laissez-faire attitude when telling me, I am confused as to what this all really means, and in reality, am in no way prepared for what this addiction really means.  As I waited for Kevin to come home, I went over hypotheticals, I had demanded he tell me what was going on, but he would not purge any sort of narrative. I completely thought the other person involved with him had killed themself or had tried to. This did n...
1 comment
Read more

Don't Just Stand There and Look Pretty, by Havilah Capshaw Bagnaro

                   I still remember the smell that hit me, the first day, a combination of bread, aged beef, and bleach; and as I walked in through the back doors of the restaurant, I felt terribly nervous about interacting with the General Manager. My sister had already warned me how serious he was, and to be very respectful, and always on time; I wanted to make a good impression on him. My sister took me to work since I was just a few days shy of my sixteenth birthday; she was still obligated to drive all of her younger siblings around.    She introduced me to the GM and he waved me into his office to put me in the computer system. Since he knew my sister I had not even filled out an application for the host position. So, when he asked for my identification and social security number I did not have any with me, not being informed I needed them. He laughed and s...
Post a Comment
Read more