I’ve been wondering how to have grace during this season. Not grace in theory, as a religious concept or a fleeting uttered benediction, but literal goodwill in day-to-day interactions. The turbulent political climate and the global pandemic has sapped my soul of its empathy. And, I have lost a great deal of trust in my community. Never one to always see the best in others, as much as I admire the quality, however I did believe that most people care about their neighbors, particularly those in the Christian faith. I grew up having Mark 12:31 impressed upon me, “’Love your neighbor as yourself’. There is no commandment greater than these.” Seeing people in the church who I thought upheld this scripture, openly support racist politics and choose their own comfort over the chance that wearing a mask may benefit another, has shattered that trust.
We have taken sides and formed alliances. We judge a person’s identity on one or two observations and discard their value as allies altogether if they fall short of our current expectations. Acquaintances who I once volunteered alongside, for causes I believe in and would greet warmly in public, are now encountered with dread. People I would have been delighted to run into only nine months ago, are now met with poorly veiled disdain that, I find, I cannot shake.
Grace is the bestowing of love or favor upon someone who is underserving.
In the Christian faith, it is believed that we are all undeserving of grace, yet we may receive it freely. We are then asked as in 1 Peter 4:10, to use that gift of grace to serve others. Every child growing up in the evangelical church is taught to love others as Christ first loved us and to put the needs of others above our own. This is textbook Sunday school material that is thought to be foundational.
As a self-proclaimed wonderer and wanderer in my late 30’s, who has strived all of my life to mold my strong personality into the vessel I believe God desires for me, it is a shocking thing to confess that I am entirely lacking in grace. I see someone wearing a despised red political hat and I instantly shift them into the category of acquaintance who receives the bare minimum degree of polite regard. No nuance, no room for perspective, no second chances. My gut tells me I have seen their true colors and must now separate myself from them.
I am compelled to stand up for many causes and now more than ever before, our lines are drawn in the sand.
I wonder however, if even my past selves would make the cut? Would the Michelle of two months ago be shunned by the Michelle I am today? Two months ago even I wasn’t wearing a mask at work due to the office politics. I was seemingly the only one who thought we should be masked and standing out alone caused too great anxiety, so I wore a mask everywhere else, except at work. The Michelle I was ten years ago voted completely differently than I do today, for reasons I now judge as ignorant and uninformed. I’ve changed. I’ve grown and continue to grow in understanding each day. Yet, my well of grace has lessened to a shallow pool I fear will dry entirely if I don’t seek the source to fill it.
My work as a Front-End Manager of a grocery store consists of serving the public, bagging groceries and keeping the establishment running smoothly for forty hours a week. It’s not unlike my previous career as a flight attendant for a Canadian International airline. The joke among coworkers was that we were simply “cookie pushers” but ultimately there were stringent safety protocols and a great deal of training involved to ensure a smooth flight. Turbulence was a frequent occurrence and I personally relished experiencing it just as I do rides at an amusement park. The plane would warble through a tiny pocket of air and a guest would reach out their hand to ask, “Is this normal?”
I would often suppress a laugh or an eye-roll at their concern as the bump in the atmosphere would hardly register as turbulence. I’d respond as professionally as possible that “A small amount of turbulence is to be expected, it’s nothing to worry about.” Whereas I enjoyed the grander scoops and sways of the aircraft. One may observe that I also seem to enjoy the drama of life as well.
Working at a grocery store in a conservative stronghold during a pandemic certainly offers a roller coaster of emotional experiences. Yet, I am often melancholic with worry concerning the ups and downs of life. As a type four on the Enneagram, I feel everything deeply and experience the world around me through feeling. I wrestle with questions that often plague me late into the night. This season, the question I keep pondering is how to have grace?
How to embody it when the overwhelming feeling is disappointment?
How to see through the unfulfillment of our expectations of others and extend them grace instead?
I
am a work in progress on the journey to have grace for my neighbors across the
political aisle from me.
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