In my time as a flight attendant, there was the experience each flight of the physical effect that being airborne had on the body. I felt heavier, my fingers swelled so that I couldn’t wear my wedding rings and my ears would fill with pressure that often didn’t clear until well after landing. Although now I spend my days on the ground, I still experience the world through feeling and acknowledge the physical toll of the day-to-day turbulence of life.
While serving the public in a grocery store, the volatile commotion in politics and the recent global pandemic has complicated all my interactions. I have lacked grace during this season and have felt weighed down by judgement and resentment of others’ views, of their posts on social media and of their silence, for seemingly not taking the pandemic seriously, for sending their kids to school sick, for refusing to seek testing for Covid-19, for choosing not to wear a mask. I judge myself and my actions the harshest of all, ever my worst critic. Yet, in holding tightly to strict standards of conduct, I’m not showing love to myself or my neighbors. I acknowledge that I am only responsible for my attitude and my actions and am determined to gently hold myself accountable moving forward.
I ask for forgiveness for my lack of grace. It is truly impressed upon me every day to endeavor to do better. I want to love everyone as I have received love, undeservingly, myself.
After initially writing a condensed version of this piece and posting it online at two o’clock in the morning, I arrived at work at seven-thirty am on less than four hours of sleep the next day yet determined to carry-out my pledge to exemplify grace. As is usually the case, the universe delivered several opportunities throughout my shift that historically I would have struggled through and likely made a mess of, only to regret later. Instead, as soon as an individual walked through the door wearing a certain hat or approached my till without a mask, as soon as I recognized a judgemental thought, I took a deep breath and spoke “grace” in my mind, reminding myself that the choices of another do not reflect on me and are not my responsibility, that I was safe.
And it worked.
For that first day and for the next two days as well the strategy was successful. I went about my work feeling less angry and resentful, I arrived home feeling lighter as if I’d just stepped off a plane after a flight.
As you may rightly assume, however, this simplistic approach did not last permanently and has not been a cure-all. I continue to struggle. Neighbors continue to walk into my workplace without masks and I continue to need otherworldly grace for them. My aim is for my focus to remain on my own evolving trajectory through life. Other’s choices reflect their journey and their bias, not mine. The only choices I can control are my own. I can wear a mask, sanitize my hands often and keep six feet physical distance.
I can continue to educate myself, and to stand up for what I believe to be right and true in my sphere of understanding and maybe somewhere along the way, someone will learn from my experience as I have learned from others.
Gratitude may get us there. Recently when I awoke with a tired hope, I meditated a while and was surprised to land on gratitude. I’m grateful for the mask wearers. I’m grateful for the ability to look up the studies and read the science and do my small part to love others by wearing a mask. I’m grateful for those who march and who hold up those whose voices need to be heard. We need to continue to have difficult conversations, and to fight for justice for all.
It will still be painful, but we must do it. Our fellow sojourners may be behind us on the road and may have knowledge yet to glean, but there are many things we were once ignorant of too. I will continue to take deep breaths when anxiety presses in, opt not to argue politics with those who are committed to misunderstanding me and to repeat “grace” as a mantra in my soul in the hopes this will allow the turbulence of the present day to stabilize so that I can carry on to learn the lessons of another day.
I will implore God to keep my tank of grace filled so I can give that grace away freely. We’re all on this journey together. I truly believe that grace will light the way. We need to keep relighting the match.
Take care out there.
Comments
Post a Comment